I had an uncle who was so idiosyncratic, it seemed to me he'd done some woman out there a tremendous favor by never getting married.

A similar thought occurred to me last month after Ken Mehlman, former chairman of the Republican National Committee, came out as gay in an interview in The Atlantic.

Whatever else one thinks about the timing of his acknowledgement, at least Mr. Mehlman didn't cave in to social pressure and marry a straight woman in order to gain the trappings of a "normal" life, only to surprise her later with the truth he could no longer suppress.

That kind of thing makes for very messy family drama, not to mention feelings of heartbreak and betrayal, as we saw six years ago in the case of New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey. Resigning his office in the wake of a homosexual affair, Mr. McGreevey stood next to his wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, with whom he had a 2-year-old daughter, and announced to the country, "I am a gay American."

Not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but it's not what most women are hoping to hear from their husbands.

So, good job on not going there, Mr. Mehlman. As for the rest of the story, though, maybe not so much.

As the manager of George W. Bush's 2004 campaign and chairman of the RNC from 2005 to 2007, Mr. Mehlman presided over the party as it pushed for a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage and demonized sexual minorities as the enemies of family values.

He was certainly not the first to engage in such self-hating, if not hypocritical, behavior. The list of preachers and politicians who rail against sexual "sin" while engaging in it themselves seems to have no end.

Indeed, self-hatred is exactly what social and religious conservatives count on to keep people in the closet and under control. That's why they fan the flames.

As for those who still wrestle with their identity, there's the so-called Exodus movement, run by religious conservatives who insist that homosexuality is not an orientation but a "lifestyle," that what one is can be overcome by what one does.

Thus, the movement says, people attracted to the same sex can, with enough will power and faith, resist and overcome those feelings, marry the opposite sex, have families, live a straight, respectable life and be happy that way. Or, if not marry, at least live a celibate life and be perfectly fine with it.

It's not for me to say whether such efforts can succeed. But nobody outside the celibate clergy would even venture down that path if not motivated by a powerful sense of confusion, shame and/or a desire to fit in.

One obvious alternative is for gay people to be who they are, marry if they wish and build families that are not much different from anyone else's. Another alternative is to do what Mr. Mehlman did for all those years.

"It was something about my life I was having a hard time accepting then, and I can't change that," he told CNN, adding: "I understand people who are going to be angry."

He said, in essence, he wished he had been ready to come out earlier, when it would it have had a greater impact. But, he added, now he intends to look forward and do what he thinks is right. That includes working on behalf of gay marriage, the irony of which is not lost on him.

"When you don't accept a part of your life, it makes things unbelievably difficult on all kinds of levels and this is an example of that," he said.

"The reason I wish that I had been in a different place then, as I am now, is I know the personal benefit of being comfortable with, and at peace with, an important part of your life. Until you get there, it's much harder. I'm very glad to be there."

Mr. Mehlman's announcement was no surprise to those who closely follow Washington politics. I might have reacted to it with more cynicism if not for a friend who came out in his late 50s. He was shocked by how many of those close to him responded with, "Well, it's about time."

"It seems like everybody else knew it before I did," he said.

So now that Mr. Mehlman's orientation is known, he's hoping to make the Republican Party a more welcoming place for gays. That's going to be a tough one, thanks in part to his own efforts.

If it means accepting their money, their volunteer work and their votes as long as they understand it won't change the party's anti-gay rhetoric, platform and policy initiatives, the GOP won't find a lot of takers.

If it means dropping the incessant pounding on the evils of the "gay agenda," supporting the right to form families with the same rights as others and getting behind repeal of the military's don't-ask don't-tell policy, that could actually work. But it's unlikely to happen, given the grip that the religious right and tea party wing nuts have in the Republican Party.

The good news is that much of the warring over sexuality is generational. Many of today's young people, regardless of their politics, consider sexual orientation irrelevant to friendship and character, and that will only increase as more gay people live more openly. It says something that Mr. Mehlman's revelation was basically a two-day story. Ten years ago, it would have been fodder for weeks.

As the country becomes more tolerant, there will be fewer people entering sham marriages, living in the closet, trying to change their essential nature or supporting policies in public than run counter to who they are in private.

Which is all to the good. One Ken Mehlman is plenty.

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